Lawyering Through Life

The Real Thang

Food for thought: "We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities."
-Jacques Maritain

Jersey and I are in very different places in our personal relationships. Jersey is the swingin' single in the big city. She is dating, but not serious with anyone right now. I, on the other hand, am a newlywed. I'm not sure how long that title lasts, but we are going on nine months, so I'm pretty sure we still qualify.

So writing the obligitory Valentine's Day post was delegated to me. But what to write? Tell the world how ooey-gooey happy Hubby and I are? How our life is like an amazing fairytale? In some ways, this is true. In the middle of writing the last paragraph, 12 beautiful long stemmed roses were delivered to my office. We still have a "date night" once a week (Friday) and we eat at the dining room table (by candlelight) a few times a week. I am married to the most wonderful man I can imagine. I met him three and a half years ago and still cannot believe that I am lucky enough to have found the one for me.

But it's not always like that. It can't be. In the short time Hubby and I have been married, I've learned more about true love than I did in the whole of my last serious relationship (which lasted six years). I've learned that life as a married adult is hard. No one tells you that before you walk down the aisle, or get whisked away on the honeymoon of your dreams. It's easy for me to see why the divorce rate is so high. You have to work at a relationship, and most of it is not pretty.

I knew this before, but it is magnified once you are married. It's obviously too complicated to discuss all of the reasons why this is the case here, but suffice it to say that when you've pledged to spend the rest of your days on Earth with a person, things take on a whole new light.

For example, you absolutely cannot make a decision, as a married person, in a vacuum. Even something as small as eating lunch affects Hubby. Seriously. Before, if I wanted to eat out, I did. Now, I have to think about the fact that if I eat out everyday, he can't. If I choose to go on a trip with the girls, Hubby has to sacrifice something in order to help pay for it. If I don't take care of my health, it affects him and our future children.

It's crazy how much things change. Most of it is good, but a lot of it is stuff I'd never considered beforehand. It convinces me, more than ever, that "romantic love" is not the real thing. And that's okay with me. Because the comforting freshly-washed-pajamas feeling that real love brings can only come with time, and the acceptance of your mate (and yourself) as an imperfect person who is worthy of a very perfect love.

So forget about the teddy bear, chocolates and overpriced card. Don't pay attention to the commercialized, pre-packaged version of love that some would have us buy into. (Quite literally, I might add). Spend this Valentine's Day celebrating real love...in whatever form you find it in your life. I imagine Hallmark will be the only party affected who ends up disappointed.

posted by jersey @ 2:06 PM