Lawyering Through Life

Empathy

One thing not everyone knows about me is that I have an empathy problem. A really bad empathy problem. You know that phrase “My heart goes out to [fill in the blank]”? My heart, on a daily basis, goes out to people and I just feel badly about things that I cannot control or change. Maybe it relates to the ICGC. Regardless of the reason, things that have no relation to my life but just upset me by their sheer existence really get to me. Like an elderly man wandering through the grocery store, slightly confused. Such a sight would bring tears to my eyes, but I’ve learned to try and cast a positive spin on it. Maybe his wife is at home and he decided to do the shopping for the week and the confusion is not a sign of dementia but merely a sign of infrequent visits to Harris Teeter. Of course, the empathetic part of me responds, “Maybe he isn’t half of an adorable elderly couple, maybe he never found love….and you shouldn’t pity him because frankly, you could end up like him.”

Okay, that is the part that I try to keep in check. The overly dramatic part. This empathy came out in full force yesterday morning at a routine scheduling conference. [Aside, scheduling conferences consist of a law clerk and a scheduling person (basically someone from the Clerk’s Office who works in the case scheduling department). Attorneys come in, we set trial dates, occasionally a fight breaks out, but normally my only beef with scheduling conferences is that they start at 8:15 in the morning.]

We were wrapping up our last case when an elderly couple opened the doors to the courtroom rather hesitantly. I hadn’t noticed but a female attorney had walked past us and checked in with the deputy. I turned towards her as she said loudly, “They are elderly and pro se and should be here soon.”

The couple, small and frail, clung to each other as they approached counsel’s table. I smiled warmly at them, while shooting a rather evil look at the attorney. The man sat down in front of me and his wife took a seat behind him in the first row. She sat right on the edge and just looked at me with a tremendous amount of expectation in her eyes. We selected a trial date and I indicated that the man needed to sign the order. He started to sign on the correct line, but then looked at me as if that was wrong. I assured him that he was right, and then he looked at me, with shaking hands, and said, “I am having trouble holding the pen.” He smiled slightly and then completed signing. I gave him a copy of the order and the couple, still looking confused and uncertain, walked out of the courtroom as the attorney spoke rapidly to them.

The scheduling person went to pry the file out of my hands but I opened it up to review what exactly had brought these people into court. The complaint, filed by the County, alleges that they have violated an ordinance against using their yard for storage. Apparently, they have exceeded the high brow county’s limitation on junk and are being sued to remove it. I wanted to run after them and tell them I could get some friends together and we could come over and take loads to the dump. While that would have satisfied the empathy side of me, it most likely would have resulted in the firing of all of me. So, I held back.

I went back to my office and couldn’t stop thinking about this couple. And how helpless they must feel. Matlock (my next door neighbor at work - so dubbed because of his penchant for bow ties - I feel a seersucker suit is the next logical step) stopped by and I told him about the couple from scheduling. And how it really upset me.

His response did not help.

"Wow, that stinks. I mean, how are they supposed to move the junk if they are so small and frail? And their kids probably live far away so they can't come help. So, basically they are all alone in this. Yeah, that stinks."

I immediately got choked up because the "neglected by their ungrateful kids" storyline had not even crossed my mind.

Matlock quickly made his exit while I tried to regain my composure.

I recognize that I could suffer a worse fate than being incredibly tuned into the emotions of other people. I would not want to go through life aloof and indifferent to those around me. But along with the blessing of feeling the pain of others comes a feeling of helplessness. In some situations, I can make someone laugh or provide comforting words or pick up the bar tab after countless pictures of beer. I have a few Friends in Need [FINs] who have needed exactly that. I can’t fix your broken heart but I can be there while you take the steps to fix it yourself.

But there are so many others who I feel powerless to help but yet feel duty bound to try something. And I feel there has to be something more that I can do besides helping them fill out a scheduling order. And as much as I am excited to start my next job, I worry that the feeling of helplessness will only grow. Because now I do occasionally help people. I’ve called people to inform them that an adoption has been finalized, that they no longer have their evil ex-husband’s last name, that they can file separate tax returns because they are now divorced…in what seems like small ways, I have helped people. Not on the grand scale I envisioned in high school when I swore I was going to join the Peace Corps, but in a very palpable way that helps me get through my days.

My fear is that as much I as love lawyering, I love helping people more. I won’t lie and say I am not excited about the perks that will come with my next job - mainly the salary and the number of new shoes it will provide. But I worry about selling out. I worry that after a few years at Big Firm, I will have lost touch with the empathy side of me. The side of me that has always naively proclaimed I want to make a difference. A BIG difference. I worry that the long hours and large bonuses will over time silence that side of me. I guess that it is promising that I am aware that this could happen and the awareness may operate to prevent it from happening.

This post has gotten away from me, it seems. I started it to retell a story from my day and to share how sometimes even simple things deeply affect me. But I’ve now raised questions for myself that can’t be answered today.

posted by jersey @ 5:16 PM